fuck.

It doesn't work does it. Keeping track of life or time. Seems like I can't observe it and live it at the same time. Argh, in my face. I so nearly documented my entire American holiday in graphic detail, but just failed slightly less bad than normal.

What are you doing? I'm probably not doing it, but I might be doing something else equally precocious or causing similar surreal based anarchy. A small part of me hopes no one is still reading this, I miss the days of unfiltered brain pouring, but I think I also need to accept the gradual growth that everyone, yes even I, go through. Even if I don't have to accept the slowly shrinking limits of my body and mind, as someone once said, 6 hours sleep is enough for anyone.

I think my sadness at my lack of recording my every move and feeling is a three-fold affair that breaches the very depths of space and time, or basically that 1) I'm terrified my abysmal memory can only worsen as the years click by, 2) By small obsession with YouTube has grown to wishing I did what some people did on there, but I never will and 3) Living deeply in the past, possibly with the thought that nothing can be as fantastic as times gone pass, even though this is disproved continually.

Maybe there is a sneaky fourth point, I want to prove to my older self, and perhaps my kids, if some equally emo girl finds me lost amongst these concrete city trees, that I lived a busy, continually fun and exciting life. I've also noticed people looking older, some physically, some mentally and some in their eyes, which is the scariest of them all. This wasn't really meant to be some emotional downer, highlighting a new found fear of growing old, as I'm actually astoundingly happy, but sometimes I like the multi-layered happiness brought on by a deep, pensive, long-lasting faux-sadness.

I suggest that everyone writes straight from their thoughts while listening to Benjamin Francis Leftwich's 'Atlas Hands' on repeat, while consciously trying to ignore it's similarities to 'I will follow you into the dark'.