I wouldn't want to lie to

To say that I will keep this up, but the potential for such an event is greater than 2 days ago. By the time I eventually hit the sack last night, it was about 1.40am (which isn't too bad compared to some nights) and I realised, in-between watching stuff/pottering, I'd done quite a bit of work. It helps that I'm finally off live support after some sort of crazy long time, because I was on it for at least 3 weeks before America, then for exactly 3 weeks after as well. In theory I shouldn't be on it for at least 9 weeks, but everything changes, and now we have some crazy Silverlight training next week, the rota might implode somewhere along the lines.

Anyway enough about work, I'm sure that will crop up tomorrow after I destroy my face on a pub crawl. I hope it ends in me getting a Texican Whopper, as they are things sent from the Flying Spaghetti Monster's angels. Today I finally got to install Angry Birds on my hero, and unsurprisingly, the processing power of my poor year old chip doesn't quite cut it, compared to the desire at least. Or a brick. Made from tofu.

Huge gape in writing this, not because I blacked out or forgot, but cos I can. Just spent an age not only uploading September's (looks at watch) photos to facebook, but also got all Photoshoppy to bust out some 'sweet as' shopping shiz, see enclosed photos (and why has the blogger photo upload insertion not been fixed for 2 years?!). Now my right hand is cold from mouse usage, it's 20 to midnight and I think I should get an early night so I become a machine tomorrow evening. Salad eating through the day is probably advised against as well.

There are so many games I want to buy, but I really have to stop myself, not just because of presents I need to buy my mum, but because I'd just fritter away all my hours on that, rather than learning Silverlight and training for my MCPD in designing and developing ASP.NET applications, in-between the normal slew of gigs, events and mind-blowing epiphanies.

But for now, just some chillout jazz will suit me fine.

fuck.

It doesn't work does it. Keeping track of life or time. Seems like I can't observe it and live it at the same time. Argh, in my face. I so nearly documented my entire American holiday in graphic detail, but just failed slightly less bad than normal.

What are you doing? I'm probably not doing it, but I might be doing something else equally precocious or causing similar surreal based anarchy. A small part of me hopes no one is still reading this, I miss the days of unfiltered brain pouring, but I think I also need to accept the gradual growth that everyone, yes even I, go through. Even if I don't have to accept the slowly shrinking limits of my body and mind, as someone once said, 6 hours sleep is enough for anyone.

I think my sadness at my lack of recording my every move and feeling is a three-fold affair that breaches the very depths of space and time, or basically that 1) I'm terrified my abysmal memory can only worsen as the years click by, 2) By small obsession with YouTube has grown to wishing I did what some people did on there, but I never will and 3) Living deeply in the past, possibly with the thought that nothing can be as fantastic as times gone pass, even though this is disproved continually.

Maybe there is a sneaky fourth point, I want to prove to my older self, and perhaps my kids, if some equally emo girl finds me lost amongst these concrete city trees, that I lived a busy, continually fun and exciting life. I've also noticed people looking older, some physically, some mentally and some in their eyes, which is the scariest of them all. This wasn't really meant to be some emotional downer, highlighting a new found fear of growing old, as I'm actually astoundingly happy, but sometimes I like the multi-layered happiness brought on by a deep, pensive, long-lasting faux-sadness.

I suggest that everyone writes straight from their thoughts while listening to Benjamin Francis Leftwich's 'Atlas Hands' on repeat, while consciously trying to ignore it's similarities to 'I will follow you into the dark'.