Oh fellow readers, many a decision in mankind's history has averted or been the fundamental cause of catastrophe. As some of you may or may not know, or not care, I plan to pursue a career in travelling around the world gayley. Though in a purely heterosexual sense (sorry Stu). This presents me with a plethora of problems, though none more pressing than the issue of this wonderful vomit stain on the otherwise polished and untarnished tubes of the Interwebs. You may think:

"Hey Tom, Tom of wonder, Tom of light, why do you worry so, you can just blabble your normal mix of insightful knowledge and razor blunt wit on this dank corner of the internet. For now the internet has spread to the far reaches of the earth, and no more shall we be lost in the blinding glare of real life"

Alas, young, naive reader, you have failed to grasp the crux of the matter, true, I can remain elusively illustrious here, on this epic blog, however, I can't, for instance, let my mother read this. Not just because of the number of commas peppered throughout the past sentence, but also due to the often, and frequent references to eye socket sex. Amongst other things. Therefore I require a blog which can be afresh of past atrocities. Furthermore, this blog lacks any form of GPS geocoding support or mapping facility, and as you all know, without being a gadget whore, I am just a whore. Therefore, a place like would be ideal to birth this sensual mecca of perambulatory information.

Unfortunately, the achievement I hold most dear in my somewhat sloppy 22 years of existence is this blog, and I cannot just let it wither and mold during my time away. Therefore I'll have to keep blogging here in the uncensored babble you have all grown accustomed to ignoring. Therefore, I'll have to keep two blogs, which is an extreme amount of effort. Luckily, this is where I introduce my idea of buying a Nokia N810 Internet Tablet. Plus I need a new camera. Oh and I don't know where I'm going yet. And I don't have a bag. Or anything. I have a book though. It's pretty. And tries to make me listen to the voices that tell me to become a hippie and take drugs. Bad rough guide, bad.

Now away with you, I have emo stick people to depress you with!

Awesome Day

Today we cruised out to hyde park and wandered around. I love London, totally and utterly fallen for it. I'd love to be able to come out to hyde park for a jog in the autumn, look, it's so pretty:
We walked through to marble arch and down oxford street, then mother went off home so I could meet with Dan. I was far early, but a bit glad to get rid of her as was doing my nut in. Anyway I spent the next few hours, wandering, consuming caffeine and drawing stick men. Cos that's how I do it. Met young Dan in ze apple shop and he suggested some food in a place called ping pong dim sum. Which sells, surprisingly, dim sum, and turned out to be extremely yummy, and twas just a cool place, with Star Trek doors on the loos. We then wandered down to HMV, tho managed to go to the wrong one for the event we were searching for. Luckily it was an all afternoon affair, and we wandered to the correct one. And there it was, 7 360s, assassin's creed, and a damn fine fille as producer of the game. This was a "first look at assassin's creed", where they were taking small groups up to a small stage, explaining the controls to use, let them play the game for a bit and then after that, go down and meet Jade Raymond.

There was a large amount of geek cock in our way though, so we decided to come back later. We were wandering around london and there was a dude with a sign saying "play 360", so we followed it to this weird vinyl record shop, walked down to a completely whitewash basement, where there was no signs, and just a random door in front of us. We opened it and there was 30-40 360s to play the latest games on for free. Very random, and more humorously one of them was red-ringed. Anyway after a bit of messing on them, we left and found a crazy, but nice coffee type place, where I grabbed a beer and dan got a very chocolaty mocca, not before pissing off some hot girls though. We swaggered back, and got in line to excite ourselves. Previously Altaïr or at least someone dressed up like him let us take a photo with him, where I'm having my throat sliced. Which was nice. Anyway he stood behind us at the line, and turns out we were the last ones allowed to queue. Excellent.

After a bit of waiting we went up, and got to play the game. Not sure about the fighting, still seems like if there's a lot of enemies they take turns. U got some fools chasing me, and they were following me all over the rooftops, if I did awesome jumps, and swings and shit, they would roughly keep up, but not be quite as skilled or stylish. Was realy good, and I jumped on some dude's shoulders and stabbed him in the neck.

Finally we got to meet miss Jade Raymond, who if you are too lazy to click on my handy wikipedia links or misunderstood my previous explanation is the Producer for the 360 and PS3 game Assassin's Creed. The number of women in game design is indeed small, and for them to be hot is indeed a novelty. The people in front of me and dan were a bit blargh, and just pointing at what they wanted signed. So we struck up conversation with her, etc. I cunningly had my "AI for Game Developers" book in my bag, and she signed that with "I hope you work for ubisoft". So I was much chuffed, and also got a large guy to take my photo with her:

Then Dan got his C++ book *head desk* signed and I got to ruin a photo of him and her with his camera. Sorry Dan! (assuming I have screwed it up). Anyway we wrapped up an awesome day in London at a pub somewhere, and chatted about the current state of everything. Then I grabbed a train to Orp, after confusing the times, and met Russ in the Harvey. Where we got mildly sloshed and got a kebab. Extreme good times, Russ's dad bought me a pint as well.

To London!

And so we did. First hit hyde park, which is big, and really dope. Ate some sandwiches we prepared, and wander on along the water side. I got to take a photo of two american girls, one was quite hot. There were fountain's involved and the such like. Then we came up on The Albery Memorial. It's classic british pomp. Love it:

Very big. Anyway, it's right in front of the albert hall which we oooh'd at:

then we checked into our hotel, which was alright, and then headed out to find some form of food establishment. Actually I lie, we went to the Natural History Museum for a few hours, looked at some cool exhibits about our place in evolution and some interesting reading about primates. We were going to see the dinosaur section but it was packed with stunted people. We then found an organic Italian place, and although I have certain issues with the current organic "culture", I'm not one to care, and it was jolly yummy. I had pasta, chillis, chicken and pepperoni. It may have had al fredo at some point in the title. I also had an organic beer, which was of good quality and decent alcohol. Plus mum paid, so bonus. We then pootled back to get ready to see Don Mclean at the Albert Hall, my hair was like this:

Which was nice. We then went to the concert, and it turns out, the hall is an impressive site, nearly as impressive as the panorama feature on my phone:

Don Mclean was vastly excellent, and played non stop for 2 hours. Which is impressive as he's like 62. American Pie was an amazing sing along standie up clappy affair, which everyone seem to enjoy, and loads of his other songs were really well done. He had an opening act was really good, though can't remember her name. She was possibly Irish, but lived in Australia. After the gig, my mum was all excited, and I was hungry, so we went to a shop and I got a powerade and some pringles. Good times. Then I read some of my AI for Game Developers book.

Breakneck Bursts

I'm going to London tomorrow.

I don't like tights.

I need mega-pixels.

I need imagery motion.

To America?

Wanted: Girl to organise life.

It's too small.

A date? with me? I don't know.

Enough now. Sleep.

Speaking of ideas

which I wasn't, I thought I'd begin this post as my brain erupted in a train of thought which I've been attempting to hold back in the vein attempt to let my usual witty, and informative inspirational pieces of post-modern literature sweep across the pages of this blog. Yet a blog isn't made of pages and further more I couldn't care less about the rest of this sentence. My thought tube stems from the incessant calls I'm receiving from recruitment agencies, who all seem to want to hide behind a veil of withheld numbers and snooty attitudes to someone who requires a deferred job. Neither the less, their main concern is securing me as a possible employee for some random over specific, underpaying crab shack of a software development house. On top of this, they have the knowledge that the likely recipient to their call is either desperate for a job, in dire need for a job, or just really really wants some form of low-paid slavery contract. This leads on to a conversation that leaks formality and a balance of attitudes where both parties require the other. This leads on to my thought that if one of these parties is not actually caring about the outcome of such a conversation, the grandeur of a lie could be increased past the barrier of normal sanity. For instance, if I stated that my family had just been slain by a one armed machete wielding maniac, who in turn had infected me with cat aids with the promise of a cure if I broke him out of a high security, yet easily infiltrated gaol, then this would be accepted with apparent good nature as there is no reason for someone who is desperate for work such as myself to lie.

Without re-reading what I just wrote I can safely say I could have reached my point significantly faster and with less goat shinning if I was really bothered. Unfortunately, I just watched a few too many Zero Punctuation reviews and felt this would be useful at 6.23 on a Thursday evening.

Enough now.

People say to me

Tom, you create the illusion of intelligence, you have nearly legal hair and jeans with only a slight hint of coffee stains, where can an idea get you?

Well kids, an idea in this day an age of inter webular communication can launch a thousand websites and break a million hearts. The following case studies will not only cement this to your face but also demonstrate the minuscule size of the Internet in the traditional "time it takes news to travel" sense.

Case Study 1: Dave Hulbert

You may or may not know my friend Dave. He once saw a large carrot.

For his final year project he decided on creating a bittorrent client for mobile phones. This initially was just an idea, with no guarantee of completion or continuous development. However, immediately after he created a site detailing his intention, the Internet BLEW UP. And we all had to go home... I kid. It blew up with his awesome idea. Soon many a news website was carrying his story, he was interviewed, the story translated in to many weird languages, and his alpha code hosted on random sites.

The aftermath? A google search for "wizbit bittorrent" generates ~1700 results, and for "wizbit bittorrent hulbert" we get ~125 results. The wikipedia trail is even more cool, with the Bittorrent Client comparison containing wizbit, as well as the Wizbit and Hulbert articles! This crazy foreign wikipedia even has a page on it! All from just an idea. More cool links related to it can be found on the wizbit blog.

Case Study 2

Yo' mamma!

Don't cry over spilt coffee

unless it burns your penis off.


I like fests. Who else likes fests? I see you, at the back, with the wooden leg, and suspicious smell. You like them too. What I especially like is xbox 360 games fests. Which is what occurred on saturday and sunday at Chateaux Danu (avec Rex and the legendary alcohol box). Two 360s system linked, and 2 copies of Halo 3.

Yes I know, I hate halo. Doesn't mean I shouldn't give this incarnation another chance. Anyway we played a small bit of coop, just between me and dan, which was moderately alright. Then Rex kindly made us a scrummy chilli con gypsy. Then Rugby occurred, which we watched with confusion and slight contempt, luckily we had beer to sooth the pain. At half time all the damn power cut went out, luckily as we vaguely recollected a time without the Internet, we found some candles and torches and a Ruffle driving past, and we orchestrated a quick bout of Texas Holdem. Which I surprisingly won, even though I normally get owned, in the ass, with a metaphorical shovel of gambling prowess. Anyway, when the match finished the power popped back on we began an onslaught of Halo 3 4 person Campaign Coop.

4 hours later, we finally realised it was repetitive, shit and exactly the same as Halo 2, with a dull story line, shitty weapons, and shitter monsters. The only thing that kept it fun was mowing each other down with a various array of vehicles. Excellent. I then got hit by some crazy instant illness and we ended up sleeping.

Next day after a bit of Tony Hawk's and bacon sandwich, we played 4 hours of fucking awesome Halo 3 multiplayer. It's a amazing a game can be so shit and so good at the same time. So many different game types. Zombie Infection is awesome. Anyway this blog post is far too long for you uncouth animals to remain focus on, and indeed I'm starting to ramble, so away with thee.

The girls over there are far too young for coffee.

I think my readership has reduced since my period of communication inactivity. Yes, that's right. I could stay in a coffee shop for the rest of my life writing into a notebook, looking like a hippy.

Haw Haw. I said readership. Anyone.... rofl a baby just threw up... anyway. Anyone want Half life 2 and Episode 1 for free? Seeing as Dan is blaspheming and buying it for the 360 I cannot give it to them. Wait, Episode 1 has gone to ad.

Argh a low flying brick just hit my eye. Who else gets overally motivated with life when out of the house, but crushed when they re-enter.

Crazy coffee woman just scared herself with some crazy bell. Highly funny, as I was standing right in front of her. Much laughter ensured. Then I was like, "Hey baby, it must be winter because the demand for electricity has sky rocketed and the elderly death rate has increased." I suck at chat up lines

When I'm elderly I'm gonna live somewhere hot in the winter so death doesn't consume me via flu. My hand is sweating from writing so much. I am also drinking far too much coffee for the average bear.

Okay, I confess, I bought the xbox game BtVS: Chaos Bleeds for 2.99 today. You happy now? I feel sorry for Rex, he has a crazy condescending woman in charge of him. At least he now knows deceased means dead.... Costa is my haven of reminiscent solitude within the poo that is Orpington. My dislike for the Orp is starting to mimic a hate crime.

One way to combat my social group's natural indecisiveness

No one was saved

I want someone who will eat my ashes when I'm gone...

Skull smirking, my new hobby....

Ned: You framed someone for a murder, you ass!
Wilfred Woodruff: I had no choice.
Ned: Of course you did. Everything we do is a choice: oatmeal or cereal, highway or side street, kiss her or keep her. We make choices and we live with the consequences. If someone gets hurt along the way we ask for forgiveness. It's the best anyone can do.
Pushing Daisies

A Softer World - A dope comic I found.

The Needles, The Space....

I fear my opinions on computer related matters are far too strong, whether it's rants about myspace, or Halo, or something else that inspired this comment but I've forgotten it. Oh yeah, clipart.


Half-Life 2: Ep2 is the awesome.

My wrist is still b0rked from the weekend of drunkness.

I like giving relationship advice it gives me a smug sense of irony

360 Games That Will Be Excellent

Army of Two
Assassin's Creed
Call of Duty 4
Fallout 3
Fable 2
Mass Effect
Project Origin
Splinter Cell Conviction

Shortest update since 1945

Today some fools broke the lamppost outside with a metal bar. So I went to Waitrose, and got lost in High Elms, and so had some fish and chips. And Coffee...

Portal is F to the ucking awesome.

SNL short....

DO NOT WATCH IF U HAVE YET TO PLAY PORTAL (unless you won't ever)...
It's funnies...

LOLbonic Plague!

An urban art take on a classic game

Wispa is back!!!!

My Name is Earl is the humour in my tummy.

All the Tension and the Terror...

I have Man Flu. But getting better. Went to grad fair with Rexus Maxus, via the magic of London transport. Initially we only had a short look inside and it all seemed a bit hectic. Though MI5 woman thought my grades were sexy, even though I suspect working for them would involve a web of lies and intrigue which isn't worth it.

We then met Dan and Shing for lunch in a Lloyds bar, which was nice and I got to have a John Smiths. Shing then returned with us to the Grad Fair which turned out to be a bit poo. Then my left shoe started consuming my foot and we accidentally had expensive coffee in Hilton Cafe. Shing spent 7.50 on some crazy yet small bailey's coffee thing. Poor furniture there as well.

We then wandered until my foot was about to fall off, and so we got some plasters and had decent coffee in Nero. Note To Self: Steal a Nero coffee stamp. We chilled in Nero for ages, just chatting, which was really dope. Then home and Rex abusing my facilities. I guess I prolly just bummed around after that.

Who else notices that my blog slows down firefox cos of the flash player to your right? Excellent.

Major ills today, death pain etc.


Celebratory explosion

Before we began ruffle's celebrations we slammed into Orpington so the twits could remove their golden locks, we could get travel cards and rex could slaughter some hookers. After dropping car off we went to the Queen's Head in green street green to watch the rugby. Except they don't have televisions. As a strange twist of fate, however, as we walked in Andy and Lucy walked in. I was like

and they were like
and I was like
"oh yeah"

and then we all merrily drank alcohol, specifically John Smith's and Guinness:

Andy and Lucy went to grab food and we perambulated on to the harvest moon, where we met the rest of the posse and traversed, via electronically powered rail transport. Though we missed it first of all and had a quick drink in the maxwell. Finally in beckenham we went to ye olde Goose, got food and much drink. We then divided and a load of us went on to continue the celebratory explosion in croydon, specifically in walkabout. Not before having a kebab in beckenham however. After a while in walkabout, we were shattered so grabbed some kfc and got a taxi home, that was cheaper than last time. Bonus.

The day after the night after the holiday

Ad and I attempted to hit bewlwater today, but realised the cycle hire was shut just before we left. Which was lucky, so instead we went to blue water to watch a film. But none of the films were particularly appealing, so we shot up a load of heroin and experimented sexually with a passing group of swedish netball players. Well we would of but the heroin shop was shut. So we met rex instead and pootled around the shops before eating some grub at Bitz and Pizza (gaffaw).

We then resorted to a night down the old harvest moon in drinking readiment for tomorrow. See the photographic evidence of my excellent chest hair and lust-worthy emerald eyes:
(modesty comes at an extra fee)


I have mostly slept.

General Ramblings and Observations by Tom of Earth: a cryptic emotionally-driven look into the life of times of the infamous sock wearer, gadget-whore, unintentional blasphemer, hypocrite, servant of Xenu, Pastafarian, absurdist and thantophobic...without me, its just aweso

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